Day 6

I am guessing that anyone who has looked at this blog will notice a massive time issue.  So what happened?  Well, I went on holiday.  It took a split second decision to drink when the air hostess came around with her trolley.  Mini bottles of wine were on offer and all of my internal dialogue disappeared and I just said yes.  A holiday would be a horrific thing to contemplate without a drink so I did - the whole holiday.  We went to America, where litre bottles of wine are unbelievably cheap.  It wasn't a massive leap off the wagon - but I was easily back to 2-3 bottles of beer or half a bottle of wine a night.  I guess I was rewarding myself, but looking back - why would I need to reward myself after a fab day with family.
Back home, I slipped very easily back into my old habits.  No weekday drinking became Wine Wednesday, then left over Monday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Quickly, it became every night.  My thoughts were yet again consumed and I again felt angry with myself that I had gone backwards.

So, yet again - I begin again.

I have done more research this time - read recommended books, read blogs, looked out for alternative drinks in bars.  Have played future conversations in my head about how I was going to answer when asked the fatal question - 'what do you want to drink?'  My answer has to become second nature to me.  I am going to have to stand up to friends who think that I am being stupid not drinking and I am going to have to stand up for myself.  Self preservation.  And it begins properly tonight - my biggest challenge,  A night with my hardest drinking friends, one of which is my toughest critic on not drinking.  There has already been messages going backwards and forwards about who is taking what drinks, how bad the hangover will be tomorrow etc. My friend thinks I am being ridiculous, that I don't have a problem.  I can't help wonder whether she laments losing her drinking bud or whether she has started to look internally at her own drinking.  Harshly, I need to say that she is a lot worse than I have ever been.

Wish me luck

Booze book

I have been reading Jason Vale's 'Kick the drink...easily!'  It is a great book.  One of the underlining points is that alcohol is poison and that your body can not deal with poison.  It really makes you question why you pour poison in to your body anyway.

Big weekend away in the caravan = big test.  It would normally be, pitch up and get the beers out.  Don't think that I will feel like I am missing out now.

Day 4

Well, dear friends.  I chose life!
I suprised myself and powered through a seriously glum time.
I even spoke to my DH about not drinking for 3 days and how I might see if I could do without.  He looked mildly amused in a 'will see it when it happens' - which gave me a real kick up the arse.  Bloody can do this!

Had another fab night sleep and woke up feeling refreshed and awake.  So much calmer with the kids the morning, no shouting at all!

Jason Vale book arrived this morning so I am looking forward to starting on that too.

Am going to take the 2 bottles of wine out of the caravan - I will not need them at all.

Feeling positive about this life change.  Get in .... oh and Come on England!!!

Day 3 - Bloody hard

Not much to say.  Had a look on Soberistas site for inspiration.  Saw a quote that day 3 was a turning point.  Most people decide one way or the other on day 3.  I am undecided.  Going away at the weekend and would always be a boozy one.  Wine witch keeps telling me that I have proven my point, clearly drink is not an issue and I should just crack open the chilled Italian white in the fridge.  I put the wine in the fridge yesterday - goodness knows why.  Very stupid.

Day 2 - The List

I kept myself so busy, that I got through the witching hour.  I am so proud of myself.  Granted, it is only one day but it is a tiny step in a long journey.

Sober Mummy - Mummy was a Secret Drinker suggests that we write a list of all of the reasons to give up drinking.  Here are mine, in no particular order;

1.  I am ashamed that my daughter believes that I only drink wine.

2.  I am worried that my daughter tells everyone that I only drink wine.

(Ok those two are the most important)

3.  Weight - I have put on 9 pounds in the last year.  I barely eat during the day and do not have a sweet tooth at all.  It is all around my waist and arse.  Not a good look.  Also, my face is puffy - I am sure I used to have cheek bones?!?

4.  I fear that I will get a serious illness if I carry on drinking.

5.  I am frittering my housekeeping away on alcohol and then having to re-jig money around to do normal shopping.

6.  My life has stalled.  My work hours vary so I can be at home quite a bit.  I have lost my confidence with my work and I know I need to make a change but can't quite see how I am going to do it.  Not aided by the foggy feeling I have most days.

So today, I am sorting my house out.  I have a Mindfulness colouring book and 3 football matches that I will be compelled to watch with DS.  I am powering on and through (hopefully!)

Day 1 - The Witching Hour

This is my problem time.  Cooking tea normally comes with a casual glass of wine.  I am really struggling.  I have also noticed recently that I have been cooking 'over the top' food during the week, so that I can have the excuse of opening a nice bottle to compliment the meal.  Seriously, who in their right mind has the time / effort / money to produce a Jamie Oliver etc meal every night?!?!  Just a wonderful excuse.  Damn.

I have spent this afternoon reading my favourite blog - Mummy was a Secret Drinker.  Every time that I doubt whether I have a problem, I refer back there.  It reminds me that, actually I do.  I should know this, I spend most of the day thinking about wine.  What a waste of time and energy.

Day 1 - again

I am so angry with myself.  Let me talk you through how I failed yesterday.

It was my son's football presentation.  My DH suggested that we got a taxi so that we could both 'enjoy' a drink.  "No", I smugly said, "I will drive".  I drove, I politely declined a drink, I offered others a lift home.  I went to the bar in my own time and ordered a soft drink.  I listened as my fellow mums talked about how they didn't really want to drink today and I felt completely righteous.  The presentation ran for 5 hours!!  At one point I even made the old Airplane! joke, "Looks like I chose the wrong week to quit drinking".  Everyone thought that this was hilarious but I think it was more the concept of me giving up drinking.

We came home and the wine witch found me.  She persuaded me that I clearly didn't have a problem as I had made it through a very important day without a drink - this therefore meant that I was ok to polish off the 2/3rds bottle of white left in the fridge.  After all, it will be easier to quit drinking after that last open bottle has gone.  And so I did.  And I didn't enjoy it.  And I decided that I wasn't going to bother with my blog anymore because not drinking forever is a very, very long time.  And I threw away my log-in details.

And then I woke up this morning.  And I felt ashamed.  So I am back.

To quote Steve Bruce - "We go again", and so I will.  And I will come back later.  I promise.